He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
