Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
