i think i have two assholes
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
