alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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