are you still at the devil's house?
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
