mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
