Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Randomize
