Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
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