I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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