i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Please don't give away my fajitas
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
