just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Randomize
