Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
