the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize