I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
