fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
