At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
