A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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