my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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