I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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