I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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