Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
