I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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