a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
She bit a glass in half.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
