You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Randomize
