if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
