Your face is a jimmy john
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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