There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
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