hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
