what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
