cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
