she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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