I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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