I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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