the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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