we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
porn star boner night. come get it.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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