saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
