at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Randomize
