he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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