Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
