wanna go halves on a baby?
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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