Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
