but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
