forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
