Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
