I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
