It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
