It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
