Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Randomize
