I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
