I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
