The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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