her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
