I'm gonna have a badass scar
she smelled like a LAN party
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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