if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
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