if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
is wine microwaveable?
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
