Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
