I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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