Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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