Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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