The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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