I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
